Today I Googled Hippo vs Firearm

Google, is a Hippo really bullet proof??

FACT: Hippos ARE bullet proof.. well pretty much.

A hippo’s skin is 1.5 inches thick and an average bullet will not even penetrate the dermis. The only way to affect a hippo is to shoot it in a vulnerable spot like the eye which, let’s be honest, is only going to enrage this already temperamental brute. Hippos are responsible for the most human deaths in Africa and, well without an elephant tranquilizer (which may not even prove affective in an emergency situation), there is absolutely nothing one can do if a hippo decides to charge. Now let’s enjoy a little poem about the subject by one of my favorite authors of all time .. Shel Silverstein : )

A hippo sandwich is easy to make.
All you do is simply take
One slice of bread,
One slice of cake,
Some mayonnaise
One onion ring,
One hippopotamus
One piece of string,
A dash of pepper --
That ought to do it.
And now comes the problem...
Biting into it!

P.S. Can we please take a moment to note the irony of the above picture.

Today I Googled the Banqiao Dam Failure

Google, tell me a little about one of China’s worst “natural” disasters

In 1975, China received about a whole years worth of rainfall all in about 24 hours! Consequently, 64 dams failed, including the Banqiao Dam, which did the most damage. It’s collapse produced a giant wave that traveled up to 30mph and brushed over 6 miles wide at heights of up to 23 feet. The total damage= over 35,000 human fatalities making it one of Chinas worst natural disasters and THE worst dam failure in history. DAM SHAME!!

P.S. I just have to throw this in because my Anthropology degree would surely burst into flames if I left it out.. there is no such thing as a "natural disaster" these days because most have something to do with the human impact on our natural world. Pitch : )

Today I Googled Supper vs Dinner

Google, compare and contrast supper and dinner.

Answer: Insufficient information. Google was not ready for this inquiry... It seems no one really knows or can really be sure that there is a difference and if so what it might be. Every article I came across seemed to attest to something completely different BUT the majority went with something like this: “Dinner” is the biggest meal of the day while “supper” is the last meal of the day (and is usually lighter). What!?! Who in the world can eat/cook that many meals per day??............. Mamma... is that you? have you been Googleing again?? : )

Today I Googled Worst Movie Ever Made…

Google, what movie was the absolute worst brain child ever conceived?

Well I riffled through both peer reviews AND box office numbers to give me an all encompassing perspective on just how much and to what extent these movies failed as functional media…. I found some pretty astonishing results. Well lets just go ahead and get the number one spot out of the way so you can start breathing again… According to Box Office Review charts the biggest joke of the Silver Screen is a little gem starring the mouth of Brooklyn himself.. Eddie Murphy. The producers of “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” spent 100 million dollars to secure rights to the biggest piece of garbage to ever grace the big screen. The film only grossed 4 million dollarss.. now I did the math (but only because it was an easy, even number) and assuming a ticket averages out at about $10 (this is being very generous mind you), that means 400,000 people still went to see this movie even though Murphy, himself, REFUSED to promote it! Haha, Wouldn’t it be cute if these people all got together for a little reunion.. maybe over a bucket of chicken and some watermelon, if you know what I’m sayin.. ; D (JK! Lots of love).
Okay, now on to the peer reviews for the “worst” movies of all time and these I just COULD NOT get behind… 1. Freddy Got Fingered, which I thought was the pinnacle of Tom Green’s career (and it happens to be one of my favorite movies, sooo suck it all you haters ; )). 2. Howard the Duck, alright maybe a little poor in taste considering it’s premised around a cheeky, chain smoking, beer guzzlin cartoon duck…. and maybe the surplus of duck puns can get slightly taxing for the standard viewer, but I thoroughly enjoyed the mind numbing confusion I felt while watching a space duck…. 3. KAZAAM…**gasp** : O

Today I Googled B.O.M.P

Google, what do I do in the case of B.O.M.P?

B.O.M.P- for those of you who are unacquainted with this neo-acronym, is in reference to the “Beans on my Pants” phenomenon. Usually I do not take requests as to what I Google, but this seems to be a reoccurring concern that I feel should be addressed. Picture this: you are sitting at a picnic table on a brisk summer day with a close group of friends (and maybe even a few uninvited free loaders), you have your freshly topped ice cold beer in one hand and in the other a paper plate laden with fried chicken, corn on the cob, cornbread, and (you bet ya) a heaping pile of piping hot bbq beans. Just as you bend down to make a spot for your overloaded platter of delectables, your plate gives way to the thick hearty mound of barbeque sauce that has sopped its way through your trusty Dixie. You have just found yourself in a B.O.M.P situation. DON’T PANIC. Follow these Google derived steps to ensure proper B.O.M.P. reversal. 1. Rinse: If the stain has not set in rinse with cold water from the back of the stain. 2. Dry: Pat dry DO NOT rub as this will further instigate the B.O.M.P predicament. 3. Clean: If white (or colorfast) pants dab with bleach, peroxide, or lemon juice. If you were wearing jeans or a delicate fabric during your B.O.M.P encounter, skip steps 1 and 2 and just let it dry completely, then use a dry fabric brush to sweep out the sauce and follow with a detergent wash. DISCLAIMER: The aforementioned instructions are specific to barbeque B.O.M.P. situations and are, therefore, not guaranteed to be affective in all B.O.M.P. scenarios.

Today I Googled STOP ALL JUNK MAIL

Google, how can I regain my sanity and stop receiving junk mail?

We are all victims. Victims of the boundless, relentless, consumer driven force that manifests itself through the corpses of 100 million trees per year right in our very own mailboxes. Okay that is a little intense but COME ON junk mail is the worst!!! Here is how you can rid some, but not all hagglers (and don’t worry the Federal Trade Commission government website says it is safe/legit AND I checked with multiple virus/scam detecting agents to confirm). To remove your name/address from all Consumer Credit Reporting Industry firm offers and credit insurance pre-approvals simply call 1-888-567-8688 and give them your name, address, and SS number (scary I know but AGAIN it is legit). This will take you off for 5 years, to rid yourself permanently you have to fill out a form and mail it in with your signature. For further information and for the permanent riddance form check out Optoutprescreen.com
I, myself, have removed my name and address and look forward to a lighter load of “here you throw this away” correspondence.

Today I Googled Why Ohio is the Absolute Worst

Google, why is Ohio the most miserable state in the Continental US?

To even say the name makes me shudder with disdain. Maybe if I just spell it out instead: O-H-I-O, elgh still cringed. At first I thought my inherited disgust for the state of Ohio might have been merely a hasty generalization, even a misunderstanding of the inhabitants of this God forsaken state. Well apparently my speculations were not only warranted, they are in fact shared amongst… well pretty much every person who doesn’t have personal ties to Ohio. Why you may ask? (but probably not because you are more than likely included in the vast majority of Americans who accept that Ohio is a bottomless pit of despair and distaste) So if, indeed, you are already aware then let’s just reiterate (and elaborate) together: Not only is Ohio a Mecca for loud, offensive, and frankly disruptive natives it also holds a ton of “Worst state for” titles. For example, Ohio is one of the worst states for state and local income tax, to buy/own a home, to drive (due to speeding tickets, hijacking, and hitchhiker murder rates), for tornados, and GET THIS -HUMAN TRAFFICKING! : O Google confirms it ladies and gentlemen: Ohio IS the worst state AND, as a nation (and partly responsible party), I feel it is our duty to hold an intervention as to no longer enable this sort of reoccurring, unacceptable behavior. REFORM OHIO Campaign of 2011 (Go out and vote ya’ll!) ; )

Today I Google College NFL Talent Rankings (In Honor of Pre-Season)

Google, which college/university has produced the most NFL talent?

Below are the stats as of March 2010. I was frankly surprised that USC was so low on the list, but then again we have to consider the qualitative data along with the quantitative. Enjoy football fans! Oh and can I get a whoop whoop for #4?!

Draft Picks Since 1999/ First Round Picks

1. Ohio State 70/17
2. Miami 65/27
3. Florida State 59/13
4. Tennessee 59/10
5. USC 56/13
6. Georgia 56/10
7. Florida 55/10
8. Michigan 48/8
6. Texas 38/12
10. Purdue 32/2

Today I Googled Government Leaching

Google, to what extent can one finagle the tax payers’ pocket?

Instead of doing a hypothetical, non-constrained type of search, I decided to highlight a case that truly DEFINES exploitation of the system: The Octomom. Just how much government aide does the Octomom, mother of 14 children, receive? Well lets just put it this way, she has no personal income and what she doesn’t pocket straight from the paychecks of hard working Americans, she gets through her website via suckers who think it is their altruistic duty to support her selfish, frankly creepy, endeavors. It appears you can make more money and procure greater health care coverage by having babies than you can on an average entry level salary.
Here are SOME of her government accruals:

1. Formula per month: $2,000 covered by WIC (Women, Infant, and Children
Program)
2. Food Stamps accrual: $400.00 per month
3. Medi-Cal: Full coverage for hospitalization of octuplets (this has to be in
the high hundred thousands.)

4. Free Nanny Care- Covered By Angels in Waiting Non-Profit (VERY expensive)
5. Three Government Disability Checks: 3 of her first 6 children receive checks once a month for ADHD and/or Autism.

6. Website- has only three buttons: make a donation, send supplies, send a message. STRAIGHT to the point.

7. Public Appearances and Media Coverage

Today I Googled World’s Biggest Nuts

Google, what are the largest nuts in the world?

Brazilian nuts might call the shots in the Planters Mixed Nuts can, but they don’t hold a candle to the big girls in the Maldines. The Coco de Mer nut (Maldive Coconut) is the largest nut in the plant kingdom. Hokey myth has it that sailors used to say it resembled a woman’s disembodied badonkadonk and that is where the botanical classification “Callipyge” meaning “beautiful rump” originated. They also believed it carried powers from Aphrodite and came from a mythical tree at the bottom of the ocean. Nonetheless, due to the rarity of this mystical nut it became revered and over collected and is now an endangered plant that only grows on the protected reserves in the Maldines. SO! In homage to the unfortunate fate of the Maldive Coconut, I decided to write a little ditty in its honor and it goes something like this:

The whole world’s gone nuts!
Nuts over nuts that look like girls butts!
They keep scooping em’ up, committing nut theft
And now pretty soon they’ll be no more nuts left!

Today I Googled Lightening Striking Twice

Google, why does it seem that people who get struck by lightning once usually have a second incidence?

This inquiry began upon learning that my friend Hilary and I both shared a similar story with very unique parameters: a middle school Science teacher who had been stuck by lightening not once, but TWICE! I began to ask myself the likelihood of this event and then decided to ask Google instead. According to the National Weather Service a person’s likelihood to be struck by lightning in their lifetime is 1 in 30,000, but being struck more than once = 1 in 9 million. What EVER! A forest ranger (Roy Sullivan) from Shenandoah National Park in Virginia seemed to defy these statistics with his world record of SEVEN isolated shocks in his lifetime! (Even more shocking, he survived them all only to take his own life in his mid seventies over a lovers quarrel.) There are more characters like Roy who call themselves “human lightning rods” and claim a storm will change course just to find them. Hmmm… while there is currently no scientific evidence available to back up these valiant claims, I note that most of the victims with subsequent incidences just put themselves out there more than the average person. Outdoorsy people (like our Science teachers and Roy Sullivan) increase their chances of being zapped by mere exposure. Regardless of the explanation, I have found countless cases of multi-incident electrocutions with evidence from hospital records AND media coverage. Scientists maintain that if lightning strikes something more than once (which is not uncommon) it is by mere coincidence because the patterns are completely random. I refuse to accept this. Nevertheless, until sweet gratification of scientific development proves my suspicions, here are some nifty facts about lightning I bet you didn’t know:

Lightning is sexist: Roughly 80% of lightning strike victims are male

Lightning is racist: It strikes oak species over any other tree

Lightning is not American- Most common strikes are in July (near Independence Day)

Lightning sounds like a real jerk.....

Today I Googled Smelliest Animal in the World

Google, what is the most foul smelling animal on the planet?

The Zorilla (regrettably not a mix between a gorilla and a zebra as I had first envisioned when coming across the name) is the most stank animal in the entire world. Though commonly referred to as the “striped polecat” , this animal is more closely related to the weasel than to the skunk family. The Zorilla lives in Africa and has few known predators because their anal glands smell so horrific they can choke a tiger from 1.5 miles away!!! Step aside Kanye this animal might have taken your spot for the most putrid existence on this planet.

P.S. I still want to boop his lil nose!

Today I Googled the US vs the Metric System

Google, why is there a never ending battle concerning the United State’s conversion to the Metric System?

For me, the United States being too stubborn to use the same universal measuring system as the rest of the universe (excluding Burma and Liberia) was just one of those things I accepted about my country and never really questioned. I mean everyone knows the U.S. would call a black cat white just to prove it could dominate the truth by the mere hierarchy that is Western ideology. But how, indeed, did a few inches come between the sweet simplistic continuity of universal world metrics?? Well… *clears throat* it all began with the ego of a man and his pure disdain for the country of France. For me, after scanning through a lot of information and indulgent opinions on the topic, the most likely catalyst for rebellion against the mass settled around the Louisiana Purchase. Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana territory for 15 million dollars because he feared France and Spain held the power to block America from trade access via the port of New Orleans. Smart move in my opinion, those Frenchies are vindictive revolutionists and are not to be trusted. Jefferson was irritated about the heavy price he had to pay for the land so when France came up with the Metric System in 1970, he decided to go a different way. (haha! Neaner, neaner, neaner!) I guess this could quite possibly be the longest grudge ever held! He went to the grave with that one and our country has STILL got his back! In 1975 the Metric Conversion Act was signed and Great Britain followed through with the transfer. Needless to say, the United States’ commitment was nothing but an empty promise when the Board to ensure its progression closed in 1982. I feel like I have learned a lot about my country today and I think this quote by Napoleon Bonaparte concerning the Louisiana Purchase just about sums it up:

"This accession of territory affirms forever the power of the United States, and I have given England a maritime rival who sooner or later will humble her pride."

P.S. Watch your back France....

Today I Googled Snot Nosed Little Brats

Google, why are children always so repulsively snotty?

Gross. Kids are more germ ridden than the iconic newspaper covered homeless man passed out amidst the garbage piles on the streets of Manhattan. Okay for the first time in his seemingly effortless life, someone is going to give this dude some credit and that someone is me. I mean at least hobo Pete (best I could do on the name) doesn’t just go around putting any smooth, round, or shiny object in his mouth or forget that he has the dexterity to solve the oozing puss problem that is discharging from every orifice of his face. Wait no… this is a very unfair comparison now that I think about it. I mean, granted these are all merely assumptions made about the implicit hobo Pete, but he seemingly has the capacity to reason, express, and employ the motor skills necessary to find resolution to these sorts of problems (AT LEAST on some sort of fundamental level). So….perhaps a more appropriate comparison would be to a cocker spaniel. Just kidding! Kinda….. hmmm that is a whole different issue and would be really fun to explore (children vs cocker spaniels). BUT anyway, I Googled why children are always so gross and snotty, most people say their low immune system (not exciting) and although true there are many underlying factors behind it. Item one being the fact that they can’t keep their grubby little fingers off of all nouns. They are always touching things and, as previously addressed, putting things in their mouths and this sometimes causes bacterial infections that manifest themselves through runny noses (the body’s way of flushing out harmful toxins and/or infectious bacteria). The fact that children hang out with other children (in my opinion) causes chronic runny nose and illness because they keep passing it back and forth. Further, chronic runny nose can lie in the hands of the parent who will still bring their sick child to daycare in lieu of missing out on the weekly office cocktail hour. This brings me to the most interesting and slightly unpleasant thing that I learned: snot is the same substance and comes from the same place as tears!!! As we all know kids cry ALL THE TIME. When your eyes become flooded with tears, the mucus has nowhere else to go but further down the same tube to the nose = snot nose! I don’t have to tell you there is an obvious correlation between whiney kids and snotty kids so… ding ding ding! : ) Have a nice day!