Today I Google College NFL Talent Rankings (In Honor of Pre-Season)

Google, which college/university has produced the most NFL talent?

Below are the stats as of March 2010. I was frankly surprised that USC was so low on the list, but then again we have to consider the qualitative data along with the quantitative. Enjoy football fans! Oh and can I get a whoop whoop for #4?!

Draft Picks Since 1999/ First Round Picks

1. Ohio State 70/17
2. Miami 65/27
3. Florida State 59/13
4. Tennessee 59/10
5. USC 56/13
6. Georgia 56/10
7. Florida 55/10
8. Michigan 48/8
6. Texas 38/12
10. Purdue 32/2

Today I Googled Government Leaching

Google, to what extent can one finagle the tax payers’ pocket?

Instead of doing a hypothetical, non-constrained type of search, I decided to highlight a case that truly DEFINES exploitation of the system: The Octomom. Just how much government aide does the Octomom, mother of 14 children, receive? Well lets just put it this way, she has no personal income and what she doesn’t pocket straight from the paychecks of hard working Americans, she gets through her website via suckers who think it is their altruistic duty to support her selfish, frankly creepy, endeavors. It appears you can make more money and procure greater health care coverage by having babies than you can on an average entry level salary.
Here are SOME of her government accruals:

1. Formula per month: $2,000 covered by WIC (Women, Infant, and Children
Program)
2. Food Stamps accrual: $400.00 per month
3. Medi-Cal: Full coverage for hospitalization of octuplets (this has to be in
the high hundred thousands.)

4. Free Nanny Care- Covered By Angels in Waiting Non-Profit (VERY expensive)
5. Three Government Disability Checks: 3 of her first 6 children receive checks once a month for ADHD and/or Autism.

6. Website- has only three buttons: make a donation, send supplies, send a message. STRAIGHT to the point.

7. Public Appearances and Media Coverage

Today I Googled World’s Biggest Nuts

Google, what are the largest nuts in the world?

Brazilian nuts might call the shots in the Planters Mixed Nuts can, but they don’t hold a candle to the big girls in the Maldines. The Coco de Mer nut (Maldive Coconut) is the largest nut in the plant kingdom. Hokey myth has it that sailors used to say it resembled a woman’s disembodied badonkadonk and that is where the botanical classification “Callipyge” meaning “beautiful rump” originated. They also believed it carried powers from Aphrodite and came from a mythical tree at the bottom of the ocean. Nonetheless, due to the rarity of this mystical nut it became revered and over collected and is now an endangered plant that only grows on the protected reserves in the Maldines. SO! In homage to the unfortunate fate of the Maldive Coconut, I decided to write a little ditty in its honor and it goes something like this:

The whole world’s gone nuts!
Nuts over nuts that look like girls butts!
They keep scooping em’ up, committing nut theft
And now pretty soon they’ll be no more nuts left!

Today I Googled Lightening Striking Twice

Google, why does it seem that people who get struck by lightning once usually have a second incidence?

This inquiry began upon learning that my friend Hilary and I both shared a similar story with very unique parameters: a middle school Science teacher who had been stuck by lightening not once, but TWICE! I began to ask myself the likelihood of this event and then decided to ask Google instead. According to the National Weather Service a person’s likelihood to be struck by lightning in their lifetime is 1 in 30,000, but being struck more than once = 1 in 9 million. What EVER! A forest ranger (Roy Sullivan) from Shenandoah National Park in Virginia seemed to defy these statistics with his world record of SEVEN isolated shocks in his lifetime! (Even more shocking, he survived them all only to take his own life in his mid seventies over a lovers quarrel.) There are more characters like Roy who call themselves “human lightning rods” and claim a storm will change course just to find them. Hmmm… while there is currently no scientific evidence available to back up these valiant claims, I note that most of the victims with subsequent incidences just put themselves out there more than the average person. Outdoorsy people (like our Science teachers and Roy Sullivan) increase their chances of being zapped by mere exposure. Regardless of the explanation, I have found countless cases of multi-incident electrocutions with evidence from hospital records AND media coverage. Scientists maintain that if lightning strikes something more than once (which is not uncommon) it is by mere coincidence because the patterns are completely random. I refuse to accept this. Nevertheless, until sweet gratification of scientific development proves my suspicions, here are some nifty facts about lightning I bet you didn’t know:

Lightning is sexist: Roughly 80% of lightning strike victims are male

Lightning is racist: It strikes oak species over any other tree

Lightning is not American- Most common strikes are in July (near Independence Day)

Lightning sounds like a real jerk.....

Today I Googled Smelliest Animal in the World

Google, what is the most foul smelling animal on the planet?

The Zorilla (regrettably not a mix between a gorilla and a zebra as I had first envisioned when coming across the name) is the most stank animal in the entire world. Though commonly referred to as the “striped polecat” , this animal is more closely related to the weasel than to the skunk family. The Zorilla lives in Africa and has few known predators because their anal glands smell so horrific they can choke a tiger from 1.5 miles away!!! Step aside Kanye this animal might have taken your spot for the most putrid existence on this planet.

P.S. I still want to boop his lil nose!

Today I Googled the US vs the Metric System

Google, why is there a never ending battle concerning the United State’s conversion to the Metric System?

For me, the United States being too stubborn to use the same universal measuring system as the rest of the universe (excluding Burma and Liberia) was just one of those things I accepted about my country and never really questioned. I mean everyone knows the U.S. would call a black cat white just to prove it could dominate the truth by the mere hierarchy that is Western ideology. But how, indeed, did a few inches come between the sweet simplistic continuity of universal world metrics?? Well… *clears throat* it all began with the ego of a man and his pure disdain for the country of France. For me, after scanning through a lot of information and indulgent opinions on the topic, the most likely catalyst for rebellion against the mass settled around the Louisiana Purchase. Thomas Jefferson bought the Louisiana territory for 15 million dollars because he feared France and Spain held the power to block America from trade access via the port of New Orleans. Smart move in my opinion, those Frenchies are vindictive revolutionists and are not to be trusted. Jefferson was irritated about the heavy price he had to pay for the land so when France came up with the Metric System in 1970, he decided to go a different way. (haha! Neaner, neaner, neaner!) I guess this could quite possibly be the longest grudge ever held! He went to the grave with that one and our country has STILL got his back! In 1975 the Metric Conversion Act was signed and Great Britain followed through with the transfer. Needless to say, the United States’ commitment was nothing but an empty promise when the Board to ensure its progression closed in 1982. I feel like I have learned a lot about my country today and I think this quote by Napoleon Bonaparte concerning the Louisiana Purchase just about sums it up:

"This accession of territory affirms forever the power of the United States, and I have given England a maritime rival who sooner or later will humble her pride."

P.S. Watch your back France....

Today I Googled Snot Nosed Little Brats

Google, why are children always so repulsively snotty?

Gross. Kids are more germ ridden than the iconic newspaper covered homeless man passed out amidst the garbage piles on the streets of Manhattan. Okay for the first time in his seemingly effortless life, someone is going to give this dude some credit and that someone is me. I mean at least hobo Pete (best I could do on the name) doesn’t just go around putting any smooth, round, or shiny object in his mouth or forget that he has the dexterity to solve the oozing puss problem that is discharging from every orifice of his face. Wait no… this is a very unfair comparison now that I think about it. I mean, granted these are all merely assumptions made about the implicit hobo Pete, but he seemingly has the capacity to reason, express, and employ the motor skills necessary to find resolution to these sorts of problems (AT LEAST on some sort of fundamental level). So….perhaps a more appropriate comparison would be to a cocker spaniel. Just kidding! Kinda….. hmmm that is a whole different issue and would be really fun to explore (children vs cocker spaniels). BUT anyway, I Googled why children are always so gross and snotty, most people say their low immune system (not exciting) and although true there are many underlying factors behind it. Item one being the fact that they can’t keep their grubby little fingers off of all nouns. They are always touching things and, as previously addressed, putting things in their mouths and this sometimes causes bacterial infections that manifest themselves through runny noses (the body’s way of flushing out harmful toxins and/or infectious bacteria). The fact that children hang out with other children (in my opinion) causes chronic runny nose and illness because they keep passing it back and forth. Further, chronic runny nose can lie in the hands of the parent who will still bring their sick child to daycare in lieu of missing out on the weekly office cocktail hour. This brings me to the most interesting and slightly unpleasant thing that I learned: snot is the same substance and comes from the same place as tears!!! As we all know kids cry ALL THE TIME. When your eyes become flooded with tears, the mucus has nowhere else to go but further down the same tube to the nose = snot nose! I don’t have to tell you there is an obvious correlation between whiney kids and snotty kids so… ding ding ding! : ) Have a nice day!